Making Friends in College When You Are Shy or Introverted

Nothing quite prepares you for the enormous adjustment that is starting college. You’re navigating a new place, surrounded by unfamiliar faces, and nervous about keeping up with a heavier load of school work.

            It’s normal to feel nervous about making new friends on campus. Truthfully, almost everyone feels somewhat anxious about figuring out this new social life. When you struggle with social anxiety and/or are introverted, it can be even more intimidating.

            Here are some reminders and tips for new college students who are anxious and overwhelmed about making new friends.

1.     It’s normal to feel a bit lonely as a new college student.

I wish someone had told me this when I was a college freshman! Think about how long it has taken you in the past to make close friends. Surely they didn’t come about overnight. Friendships come from a combination of being in close proximity, having things in common, and most importantly LOTS OF TIME spent together. If you’ve only been at school for a few days or weeks, it’s not realistic to expect to have made super close friendships yet.

2.     Show up and say “yes” to invitations, even when you’re nervous or scared.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, it can be so tempting to hang back and stay in your room instead of checking out new clubs, campus events, or grabbing dinner with your hallmates. Try to lean into the nervousness, and get out there. If you’re too nervous to speak to anyone at a club meeting, that’s okay. Show up, smile, and keep your body language open and friendly. Remember that people can’t tell how nervous you are, and that other people are looking to connect and make new friends, too!  

3.     Do your best to smile, greet, and make eye contact with students sitting next to you in class.

It’s easy to just scroll on your phone until your professor starts class. But remember that most people are also yearning for social connection. A friendly smile at the student sitting next to you will make you both feel better. We all want to be seen and acknowledged. If making small talk feels too difficult, a smile or friendly nod can go a long way in establishing a new connection.

4.     Make a point to have meals and study outside of your room.

Find a picnic table outside, get comfortable at the library, or check out some different common areas around campus. Spending too much time alone in your room is a guaranteed way to feel more anxious and lonely. Avoiding people feels better for a very short time, until it feeds the anxiety and leads to more loneliness. Do your best to get some fresh air and be around other students every day. Remember, no one is judging you for sitting or eating by yourself. Everyone is too preoccupied with their own thoughts or conversations.

5.     Be true to your own interests and preferences.

If you prefer smaller groups or quieter spaces, great! Embrace that. Half of the population is also introverted – not everyone enjoys loud parties. The more you stay focused on finding groups or other students who share your interests, the better you will feel in the long run. Some students feel frustrated or down on themselves if they prefer to avoid parties or crowded events. Invite someone to have dinner, watch a movie, or take a walk around town instead.

6.     Check out your college’s counseling center for support groups or mindfulness events.

Your college counseling center likely has a number of support groups. I encourage my clients to check out all available resources at school. Many schools also have organizations for meditating, yoga, or other mindful activities – this is a perfect way to meet some new people AND to work on relaxation and healthy coping.

Remember to keep your expectations for making new friends realistic, and offer yourself grace and compassion as you adjust to this new phase of life. Making new friends takes time and it’s not a race. Even if it may not seem like it, there are many other students eager to make friends.

 If you’re struggling with social anxiety and needing additional support, feel free to reach out! Therapy can help alleviate social anxiety by helping you understand the connection between unhelpful thoughts and beliefs about yourself/others, and learning to challenge and change the patterns keeping you stuck.